Living Without The One You Love
by 1mcswarek
Summary: Just a short one-shot based after 1x13 . Andy is having trouble sleeping with all the adrenaline cursing through her veins and because a certain someone is rendering her unable to sleep. What if he hadn't of made it? How would she live without him? So she decides to call him and let him know how she feels.


So I'm not really sure where this came from because I really should be working on the next chapter of an unspoken promise but I just had to get this out. Please let me now what you think :)

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All she could think about in that moment was how she needed to get to Sam, and then her feet were running as fast as they could take her, out the door and onto the pavement. Never mind the fact that she had just run away from a guy holding a gun to her head, because if she didn't get to Sam now then he was as god as dead and she couldn't even bear to think about that right now.

"It's Sam, you gotta stop him!" She wasn't sure exactly who she was yelling to but she was sure there must of been backup in the parking lot somewhere, right? She saw a black suv door open and Noelle yelled out to her. Sprinting over to the car she jumped in and told them where the deal was going down, how if they didn't get there in time Sam wouldn't make it out.

Sitting in the passenger seat the next ten minutes were the slowest of her life, like a blurry movie in slow motion, or maybe that was just the tears that continued to blur her vision no matter how hard she tried to blink them back and keep them at bay. _What if they didn't get there in time? What if Sam doesn't make it? I'm the only backup he has right now and if he gets shot then that's on me_. These thoughts were racing around her head at a million miles an hour but she couldn't focus on any single one because fianlly, _god finally_, she heard over the radio that backup had arrived at the warehouse.

And then she heard the words. The ones that no matter how many times she replayed them over in her head they just screamed one thing. "Shots fired. One casualty, I repeat shots fired, one casualty" _He's gone_. She couldn't breathe as her lungs refused to suck in air, she was sure she was going to throw up.

She literally had the car door open before the van even stopped and was out running, looking for Sam or rather any indication that he was ok. Feeling disorientated with all the bright flashing lights and bile rising in her throat she continued to search through the crowd for his face. When she saw the body bag laying on a stretcher words couldn't even begin to describe how she felt. He was dead and she never even got to tell him that she loved him. Faintly hearing someone call her name she turned around to see the man she was sure was dead standing next to a cruiser, smiling at her.

She needed to talk to him,_ now. _Walking over to where he was she decided that if him almost dying didn't make her say something to him about how she felt then nothing would. No one was more surprised by her next actions though as she reached where he was and threw her arms around him in a tight embrace. Caught off guard it took a few moments for his brain to catch up with his body and when it finally did he returned the hug which had now turned into a death grip. He held her close while a small wet patch grew on his shoulder where her tears were forming. "McNally, are you crying?" He sounded frantic. _Had those bastards done something back there to hurt her because so help them god if he got his hands on them they would be dead men._"Oh crap, I'm sorry Sam" She pulled back to look at him, concern etched all over his face. "Hey, no, it's fine McNally. Are you ok? What's wrong?" He sounded genuinely concerned, this touched her and made her heart melt a little. They had broken apart now but the tears were still flowing and so he reached out to caress her check, brushing them away.

It was then that Luke decided to crash the party by making his presence known to Andy and Sam, interrupting whatever little moment was going on. She furiously wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of the jacket she was wearing, trying to hide the fact she was crying. "Are you ok Andy?" Luke asked. "No, yeah, I'm fine. Just tired you know, it's been a long day" she replied. Sam saw right through it though, even if Callaghan didn't. He saw that there was something more than just tiredness, something more than her feeling hopeless when she explained to him earlier that she was tired of never feeling ready, constantly faking it. _Was she worried about him? _Because he sure as hell had been worried about her, in fact all he could think about was how he hoped to god that for once Callaghan would have her back and protect her.

She desperately needed to talk to him but Luke was standing right there and he was getting in the way, making things awkward. So, she decided to get a ride home with Luke and just talk to Sam tomorrow, no use making a fool of herself tonight when she could put it off a bit longer. Seeing for herself that he was alive and unharmed had brought her heartbeat back to normal, almost. As she walked to Luke's car to get a ride Sam reached out and stopped her "If you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call me. Ok?" he was having trouble finding the words to express just how glad he was that she was alright so instead he opted for offering her his support in the hope that she might just take him up on it, maybe then they could talk about what had happened tonight instead of amounting it to just being partners. He was sick of that excuse and was getting tired of having to keep up this facade that was ever so slowly crumbling, brought down by her. "Thank you Sam but I think I'm good" And with that he watched her walk off but he knew her better than she knew herself. She was not alright and there was a small glimmer of hope building inside of him, that she was in fact worried about him because she was scared of loosing him. He grasped at this thought because right now it was all he had.

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Not feeling quite right sleeping in Luke's bed tonight she had asked him to drop her off at her apartment, she just really needed to be alone right now so she had time and space to process some things. Luke had clearly picked up on the vibe he had walked in on when Sam was caressing her cheek because as he pulled up to the curb he suggested that maybe things weren't working out so well for them, neither truly had their heart in the relationship anymore and she was tired of fighting it.

Glancing over at the alarm clock beside her bed she saw the numbers flash 2:30 am. Three hours had past and she was still no closer to drifting off to sleep. She just couldn't get the way Sam had looked at her when he saw her walk up to him out of her head, the relief that seemed to wash over him when she seemed to be in one piece. Anther thing that no matter how hard she tried would not leave her mind was the way she was sure she felt his heartbeat beat a little faster when she hugged him, her hand resting over his heart so she could make sure that he was really there. There was no denying that she felt something between them when he caressed her cheek, tenderly wiping away the tears that were falling.

So, instead of laying there for another three hours while sleep evaded her, she made a split second decision. Grabbing her phone from the bedside table she hit speed dial two and waited for the familiar sound of his voice. After listening to it ring for the sixth time she was about to hang up when she heard someone pick up on the other end of the line.

"McNally? Is everything alright" He was really worried as to why she would be calling him this late at night or should he say this early in the morning.

"Yeah everything is fine. God, did I wake you up? I'm sorry Sam I just..." She was cut off by his voice on the other end of the line

""McNally it's fine, I wasn't really getting much sleep anyway. What's keeping you up?"

"Well I don't know really. It's just that you said I could call you if I needed anything and I can't sleep and I was just wondering what you normally do to sleep after a big undercover thing. Too much adrenaline rushing around" No way was she going to admit over the phone that the real reason she couldn't sleep was because of him.

"Well, I'm not sure it's something your going to like McNally" He knew what it was like trying to sleep after a big bust, adrenaline and excitement cursing through your veins, however that was not the reason he was having trouble sleeping. That was all due to the person on the other end of the phone.

"What, is it like booze and stripers or something?" He detected some hurt in her voice. But why on earth would he even bother with strippers when there was only one woman he could think about? One woman who he desperately needed to let her know how he felt but was holding back because of fear of rejection.

"No, nothing like that. After a big bust I normally go for a long run, like 12 km long sort of thing, but I know thats not really any help to you since you are probably too tired to run and..."

"What, scared you won't be able to keep up with me swarek?"

That was really the last thing on his mind right now

"Nope not at all. So I'll meet you outside your's in 15 then?"

"What, you're serious? It's like two am Sam!"

"Now who's worried they won't be able to hack it with me?" He was just teasing but he didn't really expect her to take the bait, he wan't sure if he wanted her to take the bait. His head was saying no because he knew that once he saw her he wouldn't be able to keep inside all of the things he needed to get out in the open, wasn't sure if he would be able to control himself not to just take her in his arms and hold her until she fell asleep. However, his heart? That was an entirely different matter.

"Fine, I'll be ready in ten" she smiled and hung up the phone, maybe a long run was exactly what she needed? Even though she knew the reason she was smiling was not because of the run but more because of the person she would be running with.

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12 km later and they had ended up back at Sam's front porch sitting on the steps, and suddenly she couldn't hold it in any longer. Turning to face him she took a deep breath and revealed the real reason she was so worked up tonight.

"Sam I can't sleep because of you, everyone time I close my eyes I get flashbacks of tonight and all I can think about is how if you had of been the one in that body bag then I'm not sure exactly what I would do with myself. I can't even begin to imagine my life without you in it and that scares me to death because if it had of been you in that body bag then my heart would have broken in two and _I_ would of been broken." Sometime in her admission of feelings he had moved over and was now holding her while she sobbed into his shirt. "I need you Sam and you can't leave me because if you leave me then I honestly wont be able to keep going" Tears streaming down her face she refused to look at him, instead choosing to bury it where she knew he couldn't see the fear in her eyes.

"Andy, look at me" She slowly brought her face up to meet his and he stared into the frightened and scared eyes looking back at him. "Andy I am not going anywhere, do you hear me? I would never leave you because truth is" He took a deep breath while he composed himself " Truth is Andy I can't imagine living without you either. I can't imagine waking up in the morning and not having you as the reason I pull myself out of bed. I can't imagine what it would be like never getting to see your smile again, or hearing you laugh" Sometime in the last few moments her breathing had evened out and she was now asleep in his arms "I love you" he whispered even though he knew she wouldn't her him.

Picking her up in his arms he carried her inside and into his bedroom where he placed her gently in his bed. He was about to take the couch when she reached out and grabbed his arm. Rolling over to look at him she whispered so quietly he had to come closer to hear it "You promised me you wouldn't leave" So, he climbed in beside her and she immediately snuggled in closer to him.

"I'm not going anywhere"

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Thanks for reading and please remember to review :)


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